Thursday, March 31, 2011

Nude Pictures of Someone You Know If You are My FB Friend.

PSYCH! You should all be ashamed for scrolling to the bottom. Ya pervs!

I have lured you here with the promise of free nudes, but just like that stranger with candy when you were five, I ain't delivering. Maybe he did with the nudes part. In that case I am so sorry. Childhood victimization is a horrible thing. Look here.

Anyway, instead of cleaning the house like I told the significant other, I am giving you all something much more meaningful. I am giving you my art- my metaphorical soul pixelated and stylized for your viewing pleasure. Emphasis on pleasure. Ooh yeah, now we're talking, big boy.

I give you:

 Le Art Michel.

This. Ah, reminiscing  about this day makes me quiver like the Virgin of Delphi. It was a brisk, snowy-yet-clear, morning. Fresh snowfall blanketed the usually naked desert. Every photon emitted by Ra was buzzing with energy (literally) and the air was so clear; without any faint distortion. I needed a subject. I fumbled clumsily with my mittens, trying to find the perfect object; the perfect angle! I was spinning in frantic confusion and frustration and anger when, alas, my eyes fall to my muse- my beloved dog. He was glorious. Hunched over in his little sweater. Perfect arch! Perfect form! He was dropping a massive deuce, thankfully, and I was able to capture multiple stills.

I had just seen a film that inspired me. I wanted to become a street artist. I opened up photoshop, threw this beast in there and in a few short minutes I produced what may become the next influential image in the street art scene. My dog; pinching a loaf.

This is my attempts at making an otherwise fine photo, look like ass. The subject is ananymouse Asian tenant living in my building. She definitely knew how to work the shoot. Had a lot of fun taking these, in fact too much (she came over to my place and spent the night, every night for two weeks. Damn those asians get the best of me.) What you'll notice here is my supreme lack of artistic capability; using filters and tinkering with levels till it looks decent.

More you say?

This is a self portrait. It took months to complete; at first I was hesitant about the end product. I didn't want to publish it. I had a lot of negative reception from various local art galleries. One lady asked if I was mentally retarded. I said ''No, you whore, my face actually looks like that.'' Regardless, I am proud. This is who I am. This is your faithful (pun intended) blogger. Imagine me when you read my words. Imagine me when you grocery shop. Imagine me when you make the most delicate of love.

Besides, I just got more traffic for you viewing this.


Wednesday, March 30, 2011

This. This is the reason for today's post. D.G.'s deli. A love of mine- no, a f*cking staple of my existence. Chicken. Turkey. GRILLED! Throw some spicy mustard on that bad boy and daddy has a sexy little lunchtime date.

Om. Nom. Nom.

Satisfaction- pure bliss embodied by the convergence of two carbohydrotic layers, mangled with cheese. It is with severe cognitive dissonance I eat this.

My vegetarian friend would shun me (that and because I only have only one gear).

He may say "Michael, why eat that when you could have a literal cubic tonne of cheese packed into pizza dough, washed down by stout with a head thick enough to play marbles on?"....

...Or he may insult me by calling me the name of a popular Greek yogurt.

All this aside, my vegetarian friend would be correct in pointing at my consumption, and asserting that for my lunch two animals (at the minimum) died. To feed me.

For about a year I have tried to reduce my carnivorous behavior. Last summer I cut all meat from my diet, in hopes to sustain better health when in my triathlon class. But as time passed, I returned to eating animal based products.

There are usual arguments for a person's choice to eat meat. Such as taste. Cool. Great. You think the taste of an animal is superior. Well that can be countered with someone saying "I don't like the taste of meat." So this becomes as useful all other aesthetic arguments. So why do we consume animal products that directly result from harm of a sentient being? I eat meat, but hate all the reasons justifying it. I am a true epicurean bisexual.

My answer: I don't know. I suspect many people might have this to say as well. Maybe some haven't given thought to it, maybe some have and still prefer to eat meat. Maybe there is a reason, higher than all of us- our genes. Humans evolved to be omnivorous. Well, sure, but that is a naturalistic fallacy.

We have responsibility to minimize suffering, especially that suffering inflicted because we like the taste. Can you even recall what the best thing you ever tasted was, not just the perception of it being 'fuggin delish, yo'.?

Why do I continue to eat meat? Because I am in America- and like everything else, we have a stratification amongst who has access to to better food. I am a student. I am poor. Yet I understand that Mickey D's should not be a tolerated option. Sadly, too many people in my income bracket have to choose between a ten pound block of frozen ground beef, that will feed their family for a few days, and a few ripe veggies that cannot.

Access to alternative ways of cooking and buying food is not a reality for many Americans. Thus we support the least regulated industry in our country, many cuts to come. We are faced with our own needs, pitted against the lives of animals. And guess who wins?

Anyone want the other half of this sandwich?


This is, in no way, intended to be slanderous to my Vegetarian Friend (TM). In fact, give him all your money.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

I have all the answers.

If you haven't noticed, it is, indeed, mating season.

You know what that means?

It means that the weather is getting hot, and there is no better time to get on your bike. Kill two birds with one stone, nay a whole flock, and get your ass in the saddle and ride! So what has this to do with mating? Everything I tell you, everything.

Ladies, if you are looking for a partner and have run out of ideas, let me tell you where it's at; the bike paths. So here's what you do:

1. Shave those legs.
2. Throw on some spandex.
3. Watch the heads turn.

Gentlemen, I did not forget you, oh no. You want the scoop as well? Here is my advice for you, and all you need is a sunny day.

1. Shave those legs.
2. Throw on some spandex.
3. Watch the heads turn.

Get on a bike, friends. Take in the sun, lose some pounds, and feel better.

Lauren and I will see you around!

My life is consumed, thus:

So this basically is a test.
Only in time shall we know what works and what doesn’t. This is my first blog, and to be honest, I am unsure if I will even be noticed amidst the rest of the noise occuring on this oh- so- lovely series of tubes.
To start- I am a student. I live in the desert, with my dog and girlfriend. I bike. Reasonably fast, for unreasonably short amounts of time. Many men are faster; many can ride farther; for they have multi-speed chariots, and aren’t fueled by rich blends of barley with sweet notes of citrus. In short, I ride a track bike and drink beer. That is one of the things I will spew, or ‘ejaculate’, from time to time.
In the world of academia, I am unique in that there are many, many people just like me. Psychology is what I study. Behavior, cognition and the ilk are the focus of my time; one day I will contribute to their understanding, for now I study them.
So now you know a little about my background, if you didn’t already (it is likely the only person ever to read this will be my partner, or my dog.) Stick around this blog. I hope to have cool updates about the shit I encounter daily, and the pictures I take. I hope to have updates regularly, and they will entertain you. I gurantee it. If not, register for StumbleUpon and click the damn button.
P.S. If you are looking for political or religious debates, you won’t find them here. *gigglesnort*